This was a result of my friend Laura; she asked me to write a story based on images from etsy.com.
The Last Supper.
So Jesus' Union brothers, they all ask him, so the fourth's this weekend, where's the picnic? And they's winkin' ta each other, 'cause Jesus, when he had ta feed 5000 back on 'at mountain, he done it with all free coupons fer them Costco Fish Sticks 'n Safeway day old bread, 'n so the boys, they figure, what the hell, let HIM do it, 'cause they's cheaper than he is.
So
Jesus,he goes through his junk mail, 'n says, here's one them buy
one, get one free deals from Bevmo. Git that 4.99 red right there. 'N
git some 'o thet Raley's tri tip, 'n do it up right.
'N Thom, he says, no problem.
'N while they's walkin' away, Simon Peter turns to Judas. He says, and just who's gonna pay fer all this shit? 'N Judas says, well, ain't gonna be Jesus. He's one them cheapass bosses don't pay fer nothin'. The donkey we come in on, I think he stole thet off somebody. 'N yew seen him at th' wedding, stuffin' apples 'n bagels in his robes?
'N Thaddeus says yeah, I think his robe's nothin' but pockets. But he's the boss. Judas says, yeah, whatever.
So they get some pulled pork, the dogs 'n buns, some tri tip, a couple o' 6-packs, some wine, 'n they head out th' park, and everbody's out there, so they have to lug it all out the far edge, 'n they fire up th' grill, 'n wait, 'n a long time later, here come Jesus, sayin' what the fuck, when'd yew reserve this spot? God couldn't find your ass out here! We waited 'til the last minute, says Thom. 'N Jesus, he jes' looks hard at Thom.
So finally they all set down the table, 'n Jesus,. he says, yew know, I have heard thet one o' yew boys gonna turn me over ta management, get my ass fired.
Hit was like they was hit with a hammer. They's all sayin' "Weren't me!"
'N Jesus says, yew boys know, thet if I go, yew know I ain't goin' down lone.
'N Judas, who drove out the park in his new Chevy Tahoe,
he says, yew don't mean me?
'N Jesus says, I just sayin'. Yew boys ain't the strongest hosses in na barn.
Then Jesus git all serious 'n shit, pick up a hot dog bun? 'N break it inta pieces? 'N says, look a-here. Eat this, 'cause it's a piece 'o my body. 'N then he screws the top off the wine, 'n starts lookin fer cups. 'N Tim, he says, shit, we forgot the cups.
'N
Jesus, he blows a rim. See, he says, now this is what the fuck I'm
talkin' 'bout! We're together for four damn years. Who cures the
sick. Me. Who raises Lazarus when he's stinkin' dead. Me. Who saves your ass in
a storm out on th' lake. Me. And what the fuck do I get in return? A
bunch o' goddamn losers who cain't find
their dick with both hands.
Th' neighborin' tables kinda leanin' away from us.
But by this time Barrabas had run off to a neiborin' table and begged some little glasses, 'n he's pourin' some wine in each.
So
Jesus gits all serious 'gain, and says, drink this. This is my blood.
'N Paul says, don't look like blood.
Jesus looks 'n says, goddamn it, Simon, I tol' yew to get the red! Yew ruint the whole fucking meetin'! 'N 'at tri tip's afire! Here, gimme thet fork!
'N he pushed Stephen away, 'n Steve pushed back, 'n Peter got in on it, 'n he swung ta hit Paul, hit Bartholomew instead, 'n Matthew starts a-chokin' one o' them James boys, 'n now all of 'em was jest a-beatin' 'n kickin' each 'n other, 'n Silas pick up a cake knife,
'n someone called 911. 'N they all get sent out the county jail. 'Cept Judas.